"THE
LAUGHING GNOME:"
A Study In Contrast
Hello, and thank you
for your interest in this unique treasure. In the transcription of the lyrics
below, Gnome One's dialogue appears in single parentheses and Gnome Two's (Fyfe
Robertsgnome’s) in double parentheses. For comparison's sake, the lyrics for
the released version, at least as I understand them, appear after those of the
acetate version. Note that it was originally "his tiny hands on his
stomach" rather than " ... on his tummy" and that, in the third
and final chorus, an extra "ha" and "hee" appear; David
sings "Ha ha ha ha, hee hee hee hee" rather than simply "Ha ha
ha, hee hee hee." The other differences are more glaring, so I won't
itemize them.
Acetate
version:
(hiccup, hiccup, hic ... )
And there was a little old man ...
(Hello!)
...in scarlet and grey, chuckling away.
(Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...hoo hoo, Oh, cor! Oo
yeah)
Well, he trotted back to my house and he sat
beside the telly
(Cor!)
With his tiny hands on his stomach, smiling
away, laughing all day.
(laughter)
I ought to report you to the gnome office!
(Oh, gnome! [laughter])
"Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm a laughing
gnome and you can't catch me.
"Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm a laughing
gnome and you can't catch me," said the laughing gnome.
('ere, you're standing on my foot!
[laughter])
Well, I gave him roasted toadstools ...
(laughter)
... and a glass of dandelion wine.
(Blech, pardon?)
Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne ...
[gnome does train sound effects]
... and carried his bag and gave him a fag.
(Have you got a light, boy?)
Here, little laughing gnome, where do you
come from?
(Gnome man's land! [laughter])
Oh, yeah!
([laughter] Oh, yes!)
Then this morning, when I woke up, he was
sitting on the edge of my bed
(more laughter)
With his brother whose name was Fred -
He'd brought him along to sing me a song:
(La lee la lee la.)
All right, let's hear it.
(Okay.)
Here, what are you wearing that mask for?
(I'm a gnome in disguise!)
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm a laughing gnome
and you can't catch me.
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm a laughing gnome
and you can't catch me.
(Gnome it, I'm a gnome anyway.)
Here.
(What?)
Here!
(WHAT?)
Haven't you got a gnome to go to?
(No, we're gnomads. Ha ha!)
Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at
school? You look like a Rolling Gnome!
(Not at the London School of Ecognomics!)
Now they're settled up me chimney, and we're
living on caviar and honey.
(Hooray!)
'Cause they're earning me lots of money
writing comedy prose for radio shows.
It's the, uh ...
(Go on!)
... it's the gnome service, of course!
(laughter)
Ha ha ha ha, hee hee hee hee, I'm the
laughing gnome and you can't catch me;
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm the laughing gnome
and you can't catch me
(Look, here comes Fife Roberts Gnome!
Whoopee!)
((Eh, good evening! There has been an
outbreak of gnomin' in the gloamin' ... or has there?))
(Oy! Did you come here on the metrognome?)
((Oh, no, I came on a gnoming pigeon. Anyway,
mind your own business!))
(Gnome milk today? [laughter])
((Here, here, that's cheating, you rotten
little man, you!))
(Who's a rotten little man?)
((You are!))
(Anyway, I'm at least four inches high, and
you're only three and a half.)
((So what? Stick that in your hat!))
(I haven't got a hat.)
((Nyaah!))
(Nyaah!)
((I don't care, mine's green, with a bell on
top.))
(I've got two bells on mine ... ) [fade]
==============================================
Released
version:
I was walking down The High Street when I
heard footsteps behind me
And there was a little old man ...
(Hello!)
... in scarlet and grey, shuffling away.
(laughter)
Well, he trotted back to my house, and he sat
beside the telly
(Cor!)
With his tiny hands on his tummy, chuckling
away, laughing all day (more laughter).
I ought to report you to the gnome office.
(Gnome office ... ha ha ha ha ha ... )
"Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm a laughing
gnome and you can't catch me.
"Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm a laughing
gnome and you can't catch me," said the laughing gnome.
Well, I gave him roasted toadstools and a
glass of dandelion wine
(Blech, pardon?)
Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne and
carried his bag and gave him a fag.
(Have you got a light, boy?)
Here, where do you come from?
(Gnome man's land. [laughter])
Oh, really?
In the morning, when I woke up, he was
sitting on the edge of my bed
(laughter)
With his brother whose name was Fred -
(more laughter)
He'd brought him along to sing me a song.
All right, let's hear it.
Here, what's that clicking noise?
(That's Fred; he's a metrognome - ha ha ha!)
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm a laughing gnome
and you can't catch me.
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm a laughing gnome
and you can't catch me.
(Gnome it, I'm a gnome anyway.)
Haven't you got a home to go to?
(No, we're gnomads.)
Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at
school? You look like a Rolling Gnome!
(Naah, not at the London School of Ecognomics!)
Now they're staying up me chimney, and we're
living on caviar and honey.
(Hooray!)
'Cause they're earning me lots of money
Writing comedy prose for radio shows.
It's the, uh ... It's the gnome service, of
course!
(more laughter)
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, I'm the laughing gnome and you can't catch me ... [repeat several times and fade]